The Adventures of Magical Girl Zaka and Friends
by Unicorns on Acid
Summary: Oh no! The Imperials are attacking Gallia, and only one person can stop them. Who's that, you ask? Magical Girl Zaka, that's who. Witness the epic quest that contains love, friendship, betrayal, happiness and butterflies. AU. Not to be taken seriously.
1. The Kawaiidesu Beginning

Magical Girl Zaka

Chapter One

**AN: Hello everyone! This is the first installment of an epic series about love, war and everything in between. You will witness happiness…tragedy…love…friendship...and butterflies in the most epic of ways. The love is heart thumping, the betrayal is heart breaking, and the friendship is heart warming.**

**But, in case if you couldn't tell, this is simply a joke. Why did I write this? Because the Valkyria Chronicles section really needs to lighten up a bit, I must say. Despite the presence of serious fanfics that I personally adore, like **_**The Destiny of Marcelina Lamterb**_** and **_**Battlefield: Gallia**_** (that first one is sarcasm, but I do find it hilarious; apologies to AnnixEd) I really think that this section needs to loosen up a bit. So, a friend and I invented this. We gradually fleshed it out in a Paint Chat, and now it's ready to go, I guess. So, without further ado, here is the first chapter of **_**Magical Girl Zaka!**_

_**NOTE: Whenever there is a ***, it means that there is a change of POV.**_

The sun shone brightly through white, fluffy clouds in a surprisingly warm March day. The blades of windmills turned, and the bright green grass swayed in the wind. White flowers specked the hills, and they seemed to perfect the peaceful view that you could really only get in one place: Bruhl.

Even though he had been gone for years, to Welkin Gunther, it still felt like home, and was refreshing from the busy streets of Randgriz. It was jarring at first to see so many unfamiliar faces, but there was a war going on, and it was understandable.

_I got here early,_ Welkin thought to himself. _Isara won't be coming for about half an hour, so I can probably go see if the fish are migrating upstream right now. _

He broke out into a run towards the nearby creek.

***

Alicia Melchiott was on watch duty, and hated it. She'd rather run through the streets of Bruhl and offer bread out to evacuees who needed it for the journey to Randgriz. But it was her fault for joining the Town Watch anyway, and she stood on the lookout for spies, or anyone breaking the law.

"Miss Melchiott!" A fellow Town Watchman called out. "There's a person conducting suspicious activity at the river! Come quick!"

"Right, I'm on it," she replied. Before setting off, she grabbed her rifle and dashed towards the river as fast as her feet could take her.

After she managed to get a good distance towards the creek, she began to move quieter. She had to be stealthy, and that was her middle name.

"Found you," she whispered to herself. Sure enough, she saw the person who the watchman had reported writing in a small pocketbook. Her eyes widened—what if he was a spy?

She dived into a bush, and peered at him from the distance. Alicia observed him for a good five minutes until she realized that she couldn't stay tangled up in a shrub forever. She crawled out carefully, and held her breath. She prayed to the Valkyrur that he wouldn't notice her.

She cocked her rifle at his head. "Freeze. Put your hands in the air…slowly."

He turned around slowly, with his hands up nonetheless. That's when Alicia noticed something extremely wrong about him.

"Your pants are...are…on the _ground._" She shuddered, eying them with disgust.

"What?" The suspicious person replied. "I was just sketching some fish, and I'm wearing a belt. Although, if you _want_ to see me without any pants, we could have some fun. "

"Not anymore. Do you think you're cool, huh? For walking around town with your pants down low? It's _unforgivable_. And that was just plain wrong, I do not want to 'have some fun' with you right now. We're in the middle of a war here!" She rolled her eyes at him. "You're coming with me. Get up." Alicia grabbed his arm and hoisted him up.

"W-wait, I was just drawing some fish! They usually come around this time of year!" He pleaded. "P-please let me go!"

"Fish or not, look at your pants!" Alicia retorted. She scoffed and turned her head away from him. She began to drag him up to town.

"I'll pull them up, I swear! Just let go of my arm!" He pleaded.

Alicia glared at him. "Fine," she said, without making any eye contact. "But you had better not escape, is that clear?"

She glanced at him as he readjusted his trousers. "Hey…What's your name?" Alicia inquired.

"Oh, Welkin, what did you get yourself into this time?" A voice called out from ahead of Alicia and her prisoner.

Alicia darted around, and noticed a girl dashing towards them. "Oh! I know you! You live a little ways outside of town, right?"

She ran a pale hand through her dark blue hair. "Yes, this is my brother, Welkin. I'm Isara. We were going to evacuate but that might be a bit challenging at the moment." She giggled.

"I see. Um, I'll let your brother…go now. Do you want any help?" Alicia looked away and coughed in embarrassment. Now that she thought about it, he did look familiar.

"Oh no, we should be fine. I like your headscarf, by the way." Isara pointed towards Alicia's trademark red bandana.

"Oh, thanks. Have a nice day!" She called out to them as they began to leave.

That is, they would have begun to leave if the loud sounds of gunfire hadn't started.

"Stay low behind this hill for cover," Alicia hissed. She noticed people firing shots up the hill, trying to fend off enemies from their hometown. She quickly grabbed a combat rifle from one of the deceased watchmen. "Welkin, are you good with a gun?"

"You bet I am!" Welkin exclaimed as he began to unzip his pants.

"Not…that kind of gun," Alicia sighed. She shoved the rifle in his face and crept up the hill. "Isara, you'd better run. Welkin and I will be fine here."

"Oh, okay, I get it." Isara headed towards her residence.

"Are you ready, Welkin?" Alicia whispered to him.

"Y-yeah," Welkin stammered.

Alicia sensed his nervousness, and smirked at him. "Don't worry, I have a trump card."

"Trump card?" Welkin clocked an eyebrow in interest.

"Magical Girl Zaka."

**AN: Yes, I understand that Welkin would never make a dirty reference. I'll tell you right now those out-of-character characters should be expected from here on out, because after all, in this fanfics, being serious is frowned upon. I also know that it's not very random and/or funny, but that will hopefully improve in time.**

**Please R/R to tell me how I can make this better/funnier/random. Ideas would also be appreciated, and perverted comebacks for Welkin would work too. **


	2. Shock! The Kawaiidesu Magical Girl Comes

Magical Girl Zaka

Chapter Two

This one has a name!

**AN: Wow, thanks for the…surprisingly good reviews. I was expecting people to say, "OMG YOU MADE WELKIN A PERV! HOW COULD YOU? NOW HE AND ALICIA CAN'T BE IN KAWAII DESU LOVE!" but I'm glad that you guys find this amusing nonetheless. I would also like to extend thank yous to Quazagirl and .MC for helping me come up with this in the first place! **

**After re-reading the first chapter, I noticed a bit of typos and redundancy. I'll fix those soon; serves me right for writing at one in the morning. : P Then again, I am pretty redundant in real life too. **

Welkin stared at Alicia in befuddlement. "What's a 'Magical Girl Zaka'?" This 'trump card' didn't make him feel calmer; it made him even more afraid of scaling up the hill and gunning down Imps.

"You'll see," said Alicia mischievously. She winked at him and continued to climb.

"Let me guess, don't look up?" Welkin replied. "That's what you're going to say next, right?"

Heat ran up to Alicia's face, and she moved more quickly. She kicked some soil into Welkin's face in order to ensure that he didn't see her panties.

As they climbed up the hill, the noise of gunfire gradually got louder and louder, and Welkin was tempted to run back down. But he had to, if he ever wanted to get somewhere with Alicia, so he gulped down his fear and clutched his rifle tighter. When they were almost at the top, Alicia issued orders.

"Alright, listen up. There are probably about three Imps max. Conquering a small town like Bruhl should be very easy for them. The town watch cannot assure you that the Imps will retreat, but we can tell you that everyone will evacuate safely.

"I'm going to run up to all three of them and shoot their Imperial faces out, got it? Welkin, you don't have to do a thing. I have it all covered."

"Okay?" Welkin didn't know what to say about this. He just continued staring into Alicia's eyes, hoping that she wouldn't die from being reckless.

"Besides, we have Magical Girl Zaka on our side, right?" Alicia smiled, evidently a go at trying to get his hopes up. "Relax. I've done this millions of times."

And with that, Alicia charged at the three scouts. Welkin couldn't help but look.

Firstly, she ran right up to one that was turned away from her. She raised her gun and fired bullets into his head. The scary thing was that she seemed to be _enjoying _this.

The Imps began to panic, and whistled for something. Alicia's eyes widened in horror at what was happening.

"Welkin, they're summoning a dragon! Stay low! I'll get Magical Girl Zaka," Alicia called out to him. Her body was shaking, and her heart was beating hard and quickly in her chest.

"A _dragon_? Alicia, are you high on something?" Welkin began to snicker to himself.

"No, I assure you that I'm quite serious, and I am not high on weed in a mosh pit or whatever you're thinking. Now, MAGICAL GIRL ZAKA, GET YOUR BUTT OVER HERE THIS INSTANT."

"Coming, coming," a shockingly manly voice called out in response.

"Alicia, is this…Magical Girl Zack or whatever a tranny?" Welkin asked.

"Trannies are people too, Welkin!" She scolded. "And it's Zaka, not _Zack_."

Welkin turned around and noticed this Magical Girl thing standing behind him. He/she was very muscular, surprisingly, and unsurprisingly was dressed up in a variant of the Gallian uniform. It had pink bows all over the place, and a bow was tied at the back. It bared his/her stomach. To top it all of, he/she sparkled, and carried a wand with a star at the tip.

"And I'm a _girl_, thank you very much; I'm just borrowing this body for a while until I can get enough estrogen in there to feminize it."

"That doesn't stop you from looking ridiculous," Welkin countered.

"My pet unicorn would like to have a word with you," Magical Girl Zaka snarled.

"Alright, alright, stop fighting! Now, Zaka, there's a bunch of dragons up the hill, and you have to take them all out!" Alicia commanded. "I'll give you a butterfly if you do that."

"Ooh, yay! I love butterflies!" Zaka squealed.

"I-I'll help too! With my gun!" Welkin volunteered. "I mean, once in English class I ha—"

"It's okay, Welkin." Alicia pressed the palm of her hand up to her face.

But before she could stop him, Welkin had taken off his pants and ran up to the dragons.

"Go save him," Alicia mumbled to Zaka.

Magical Girl Zaka nodded, and flew up to the dragon.

She raised his wand, and pointed it at the dragon. A wave of sky blue flames erupted from the yellow tip. Zaka spun around the dragon, and in no time, it was eliminated.

"Look, Alicia! The dragon was knocked out by my sexual prowess!" Welkin boasted.

"Yeah, you tell yourself that, Welkin." Alicia wasn't impressed. "Besides, you ran out of stamina halfway up that hill. I don't think that you really have any 'sexual superiority'. Not that I'd know."

Welkin smirked. "Would you like to find out?"

"EWW, NO!" Alicia shrieked. She cleared her throat and regained her composure. "Anyway, you had better get back to where Isara is. You have to get to Randgriz quickly."

"What about you? Do you want to come with us?" Welkin offered.

"Um…" Alicia glanced over at Zaka.

"Don't worry; I'll handle things from here. You can go with your boyfriend or whatever," Zaka replied.

"He is _not_ my boyfriend!" Alicia objected. She turned around to face Welkin. "But I'll go with you. I have some bread, so we should have enough food for the journey."

***

Imperials had broken into the Gunther's home, and were closing in on Isara.

"That lady over there, is she pregnant or just really fat?" One of them asked Isara in a mocking tone.

"That lady is named Martha, and that's none of your business," Isara said, making sure to stay calm.

"Shut up, dark-hair. You know, I was wondering why it stunk in here, but I guess it was just you," the other one sneered.

Isara glanced up at him with a challenging gaze. "What was that, now?" Her hand explored a nearby countertop, and rested on the handle of a knife. Keeping eye contact, she grabbed it and pulled it towards her. Before the Imperials could react, she stabbed one in the stomach and kicked the other's groin as hard as she could. Isara noticed a heavily outdated gun in the corner, but it would have to do. She somersaulted to it, grabbed it, and killed the Imp whom she had caused excruciating pain to with a bullet in the head.

At that moment, Welkin and Alicia barged in.

"Is? Are you alright?!" Welkin ran up to her and gave her a tight squeeze.

She smiled. "I'm fine, Welkin. I just needed to get rid of some…pests, that's all."

Alicia looked at the corpses and the pool of blood on the ground. "Isara…did _you_ do this?"

"Yes. Anyway, Welkin, we had better go defend the town."

"_What?!_ I thought that we were all going to Randgriz as soon as possible!" Welkin scratched his head in confusion.

"But Welks, remember? Dad's…"

"Oh, that's right. Dad's tank."

"I'll drive!" Isara said happily, holding the keys in her hand.

"I'll…check out Alicia through the sco—err; I mean, command the thing!"

"I'll, uh, run behind the tank and guard the town gate. If it gets destroyed, the whole town will panic!" Alicia was disappointed that all of the good spots of running a tank were taken. She ran off to join her comrades.

"Alright, Is, are you ready?" Welkin asked her with a cocky grin.

"You bet'cha, Welks."

**AN: No, Isara is not Sarah Palin. A word of advice: you had better not get her pissed. She IS the Ice President. **

** So, Magical Girl Zaka finally arrives! And, admit it everyone, you so want a pet unicorn just like him. A quick question: should there be a blatant Mary-Sue in Squad 7 (once we get there, of course) or should I include it completely with canon characters? The 'Sue idea would add more ****humour**** into it, but I wouldn't mind 'reworking' the canon 7s a bit; I've already raped Welkin to hell and back and sent him into a land with dragons and tranny magical girls who get paid with butterflies.**


	3. Defending Kawaiidesu Bruhl

Magical Girl Zaka

Chapter Three

**AN: This fic has certainly changed ever since I started writing it. It was originally going to be a **_**Twilight**_** parody, starring a main character named Mary Sue, who harbored a hate for Darcsens because they bought all of the tickets at a Hillary Duff concert when Mary Sue was eight. Welkin was a gang leader, Isara was a Goth with no friends and Alicia was… I don't even remember what I made her into. Nick Jonas was there too. I only wrote one chapter. Anyway, enjoy the third chapter of Magical Girl Zaka! **

Alicia stood at her post right in front of the town gate, crouched behind some sandbags. Remains of buildings that were blown up by tank shells and/or dragons lay on the cobblestone streets. Smoke blacked out the sky, and Imperial units were catching watchmen and civilians in dangerous crossfire. The rattling of gunfire was heard no matter where you stepped. Bruhl was a battlefield.

She sent a scout to go recon the area, and she hoped that he'd come back alive. She deserted the base in order to camp out in a nearby path of nearby grass, shooting any Imp that she could notice. But once Welkin and Isara came in with their tank was when things would get fun. 

"Melchiott to Zaka, can you read me? Over," She asked into the radio transmission system.

"Zaka to Melchiott, I can read you loud and clear. Over," he replied. The grainy noise from the radio made Alicia's ears hurt.

"When's Master Pimp rolling in?" She questioned. They had made up codenames earlier, and, of course, Welkin _had_ to announce to the enemy his _talent_.

"You need to say over, remember?" Zaka sighed.

"Um, right, I forgot. Over."

"Master Pimp? What? Are you talking to me?" Alicia didn't recognize who was talking to this time, and she assumed it to be worthless Imperial radio chatter.

"Of course she isn't, she's a Gallian, Fred," another replied with a heavy accent. "They probably have their own 'Master Pimps'."

"Melchiott to Zaka again. Please get those Valkyria-awful Imps to shut up before I do it myself. Over."

Alicia saw a large explosion in the distance, and was satisfied. She smiled and provided interception fire. After a while of watching shocktroopers and scouts chuck grenades at the gate, and tanks firing tank shells, Welkin, Isara and the Edelweiss had arrived.

"Wow, Welkin, it took you long enough!" Alicia screamed to him.

"Relax, Alicia, I have it covered _this_ time. Isara, fire at that wall please. Oh, and maybe that little bitch who's flipping me off over there, too."

"Don't be reckless, Welkin! You have to blow up that tank and _then_ you can kill all of the Imps you want, okay?" Alicia's voiced quivered, and she hoped that he'd listen to her. "Anyway, that tank is pretty…uh…big."

"THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!" Welkin screamed in delight.

Alicia ignored him, and moved towards where Welkin had entered. An Imp behind a tree caught her eye, and she began to army crawl towards him.

_My knees are going to be horribly scraped after this, but it'll be worth it,_ she thought. She pulled out a grenade, pulled the safety cap off, and chucked it at a nearby tree. She noticed remains of a body in the wreckage that she had caused. A shocktrooper turned around and noticed her giggling in success, and she crawled away as quickly as she could.

"Alicia! ALICIAAAA! I GOT THE TANK!" Welkin rejoiced. "Do I get a reward?"

"What kind of award?" Alicia knew by now that Welkin would probably ask for sex at the very least. "Anyway, we're retreating. We can't hold up much longer if they roll in more tanks."

"But we _have_ a tank here, Alicia!" Welkin protested. "Actually, we have three, if tranny tanks count."

"Check my private box for once, thanks," Zaka informed him.

"Too much information there, buddy," Welkin shuddered in horror at the visual images that came up.

"Even ask my pet unicorn."

"Once again, too much information." Welkin thought that he'd throw up his breakfast if Zaka told him any more.

"Just saying!"

"Zaka, shut up. Please," Alicia ordered. "No one cares about your private box."

"_I_ care about your private box," Isara confessed.

Everyone went silent.

"Anyway, we should head up to some nearby hills away from the combat," Isara suggested. "That would probably be the best idea right now. We have a woman going into labour in this tank after all."

"That's ridiculous. Why would you put a woman giving birth into a tank with you?" Alicia rolled her eyes.

They had started to leave through the town gate, and diverged from the main road a good ways in. They looked back at their hometown, but all that they could see was black smoke. On the contrary, when they looked forward, the sun was setting, and warm hues tinted the landscape.

"Welks, let's head up that hill. We'll be able to get a better view up there," said Isara.

"Okay." Welkin gulped down his fear of seeing what Bruhl had become. He had only been reunited with it a few hours ago, and it was now a pile of beams, bricks and bodies.

It wasn't as bad as he had expected. Most of the main buildings were still standing, and the framework of a windmill that had been hit by a tank shell was still intact.

"Well, that was fun, wasn't it Alicia?" Welkin exclaimed.

"You think so? It was kind of gruesome, and look at what happened…" Alicia's eyes diverted from Welkin to her feet.

"But blowing up Imps was SO satisfying! And I _love_ the zoom feature on the scope, it's so convenient!" Welkin was talking so quickly in his excitement that Alicia couldn't understand him.

"Hey, Welkin, do you know where Zaka went?" Alicia asked.

"I think he went off on his little pet unicorn. He told me that he was going back to Randgriz." Alicia didn't need to know that Welkin had made that up. "And Isara is looking after Martha's baby. I named him Chuck, after the strongest man in the world, Chuck Norris!"

Alicia was puzzled. "But Welkin, you aren't the father, are you?"

"Oh, who cares? It's just a baby," he shrugged.

"You were a baby once too, you know," Alicia reminded him.

"And a pretty hot one at that!" Welkin boasted, puffing out his chest.

All of the sudden, Alicia grasped onto his hand. "Welkin, let's join the militia. I want to do all that I can to help Bruhl…to help Gallia!" Her eyes shone in the prospect of fighting for her country.

"Sure, if it gets me some hoes and I can blow up Imps!"

Alicia slapped him.

* * *

"Welkin, does this uniform make me look fat?" Alicia inquired, peering over at him sheepishly.

"Not really, but do you know what will improve it by a lot?" Welkin clutched a pair of scissors and bent down by Alicia's feet. He began to cut the hemline by an inch or so, and was sure to look up.

"I hate you."

**AN: Sorry for the lack of Magical Girl Zaka in this chapter. The Imperials on the radio will hopefully become a little more prominent in later chapters, because surprisingly, I like them even though I added them in there for filler. Thanks for reading, and please take your time to review if you want to. **


	4. Meeting the Kawaiidesu Squad

Magical Girl Zaka

Chapter Four

**AN: Alright, just a quick heads-up that I won't be updating as quickly as I have been before, as second semester has just started up for me and I have to focus my attention on my studies for a while. I'll try to get a chapter up every week or so. Anyway, thanks for the reviews again and enjoy this chapter of Magical Girl Zaka! **

"So, Mr. Gunther, did you get that?"

A woman, possibly in her thirties, with her dark hair pulled back in a bun leaned over her desk, looking at Welkin with a cold, hard gaze.

"Yes I did, pretty la—err, I mean…Captain Varrot."

Varrot unbuttoned the top buttons of her uniform. "Call me Eleanor."

Welkin had just been made the Lieutenant of Squad 7, with Alicia as one of his sergeants. He was quite happy about this, and hoped that there were plenty of girls on the recruit list. Surprisingly, Eleanor didn't mind Alicia's skirt adjustment, that is, if she even noticed that Alicia was walking around with her underwear showing. Both of them turned around to leave, only to be interrupted by a familiar face.

Holding a shot glass of vodka, Faldio Landzaat staggered inside.

"Oh h-hay Welkinz! I fund out that in order to become Ruzzian, you have to add a zed at the end of yer name! So I'm Faldiov now! 'Member me?" He greeted them, with a spectacle of spelling mistakes and sentence fragments.

"Oh, hey Faldio!" Welkin greeted him. "Whore number o—I mean, Alicia, this is Faldio. He was my friend from pimp school!"

"Whore number one? Welkin, how many other whores do you have?" Alicia scrunched up her eyebrows and pouted.

"Areesuia, I rove your underwear! What colour is it, blue? No, wait it's wed!" 'Faldiov' interrupted.

"It's purple," Alicia scoffed. "You really need to go lie down, Faldio."

"But Varrot ordered me-in here," Faldio objected, taking a swig from his shot glass.

Alicia stomped on his foot, spun around and ran out the door.

Varrot handed a clipboard over to Welkin, showing off her cleavage. "Here's the master list. Take a look through it, just be sure that you don't choose too many girls now." She winked at him.

Welkin skimmed over the recruits, and eventually picked out his squad.

_Alicia Melchiott. Gender: Female. Class: Scout. Enjoys baking on days off, and is rumored to have an affair with Lieutenant Welkin Gunther. _

_ Ted Ustinov. Gender: Male. Class: Scout. Is considered by Melville Young to be the best bro ever. _

_ Juno Coren. Gender: Female. Class: Scout. Has lots of energy. Be sure to keep her away from Alicia Melchiott. _

_ Susie Evans. Gender: Female. Class: Scout. DO NOT say, "That's what she said" around her, whatever you do. If you plan to have some fun with her, be sure to be gentle. _

_ Ramona Linton. Gender: Female. Class: Scout. Plans to be a model for _Playboy_ after the war. _

_ Bridgette "Rosie" Stark. Gender: Female. Class: Shooktrooper. Has a porcavian fetish. Has a particularly vile odor. _

_ Nina Streiss. Gender: Female. Class: Shooktrooper. Is believed to be on steroids. _

_ Lynn. Gender: Female. Class: Shocktrooper. Listens to MCR in the barracks. Plans on becoming the next Octomom. Wait…who are MCR and Octomom? _

_ Dorothy Howard. Gender: Female. Class: Shooktrooper. Makes condoms for a living. You might want to pick some up one day, although one broke one time when Varrot was frolicking in the rainbows with Faldio. _

_ Jane Turner. Gender: Female. Class: Shocktrooper. Enjoys killing Imps, and possibly can murder any dragons, giant snakes or bridges that the Imperials chuck as us. _

_ Largo Potter. Gender: Male. Class: Lancer. Weighs over 300 lbs. Enjoys eating pork burgers and some food that we cannot seem to find anywhere. Will go on random temper tantrums when he is hungry and/or crushes a chair. _

_ Audrey Heitinga. Gender: Female. Class: Lancer. The founding member of "Welkin's Angels/Les Anges des Welkin". Fluent in French, or so she claims. _

_ Jann Walker. Gender: Unsure. Class: Lancer. Has a crush on Largo. Enjoys listening to Lady Gaga, whoever that is. _

_ Nadine. Gender: Female. Class: Engineer. Enjoys writing stories, including one that stars an average heroine in her new school, where she falls in love with a vampire. _

_ Karl Landzaat. Gender: Male. Class: Engineer. Is willing to help Lynn's dream of becoming Octomom. Is terrified of everything that he sees. Not related to Faldio Landzaat, contrary to popular belief that they were once married. _

_ Cezary Regard. Gender: Male. Class: Sniper. According to , he is a bastard who hates everyone._

_ Catherine O'Hara. Gender: Female. Class: Sniper. Is a leprechaun and enjoys eating _Lucky Charms_. _

_ Marina Wulfstan. Gender: Female. Class: Sniper. Finds pleasure in stealing Catherine's _Lucky Charms_. _

Welkin was pleased; he now had his very own personal harem.

------------------

A few days later, Lynn was pregnant.

Welkin had no clue how this had happened. He asked Faldiov, who replied, with a bottle of beer in his hand, "I tot'lly did it…NOT!"

Welkin rolled his eyes. "Go back to the '90's."

"Vut?! Welkinz, no one zed 'not' in 1890!" Faldio protested.

Welkin made up a quick excuse to get away from the drunken Faldio, and tracked down Karl. He would have found him if he hadn't run into two colourful characters first.

"Hey Melville, are you a mother lover?" A boy with spiky black hair asked his companion, who had an orange Mohawk.

_How tacky,_ Welkin thought. _If they ever want to pick up any mothers like I have, then they'll have to get a pimp hat __**at least**__. _

"Damn straight I am, Ted!" The other replied.

"Well then, I'm a mother lover, you're a mother lover, we should fuck each other's mothers, fuck each other's moms!" Ted began to sing, which was gratifying to Welkin's ears.

Fortunately for him, Zaka intervened.

"Now, listen. If you really want an older woman, why don't you just go ask my pet unicorn? Edward will do anything that moves, from my personal experience."

"Dude, you banged your unicorn? Isn't that…illegal in the Federation or something? Melville, what do you think?" Ted quickly brought his hand to his mouth and gagged. "I have to go to the bathroom…"

Melville backed away slowly from Zaka, and ran off to Captain Varrot's office.

Welkin decided that the Lynn mystery could be saved for another day, and went off to spend some time with Juno.

**AN: Uh, I have no clue what to put here for once, so I'll plug my friend's fanfiction because she wanted me to. If you like **_**Harvest Moon**_**, then I'd recommend checking out**_** Skye's the Limit**_**. It actually manages to make an OC bearable, so even if you have never played HM, I'd go read it anyway. Especially you, AnnixEd, if you're reading this at the moment. **


	5. Prelude to the Kawaiidesu Battle

Magical Girl Zaka

Chapter Five

**AN: Agh! I am so sorry for not updating this for a while. I've been stuck in a rut for ideas (why do I always get good ones for **_**later on**_** in the story?). Not to mention that life in general has been a hassle, with an acrylic painting having to get done soon for an art show. U____U Anyway, I hope that you will forgive me for my slow update pace, and enjoy the latest chapter. **

"Welkin, we can't exactly have a pregnant shocktrooper at the moment!"

Alicia and Welkin were walking down the tiled halls of Fort Randgriz, where the militia had regularly trained ever since the Imperial invasion. Ever since the assignment of their first operation, everyone had been getting nervous. Alicia was surprised that Welkin hadn't collapsed under stress at this point, but he was simply his normal perverted self, cracking a "that's what she said" joke at every given opportunity.

"Relax Alicia; we can just give the baby to Faldiov! He'll give it some stupid Russian name and we'll be a-okay," Welkin replied. He rolled his eyes.

"Well, if you had a baby, would you give it to an alcoholic who lives off of vodka and gets on with Captain Varrot every other day?" Alicia retorted back at him.

Welkin smirked and gave her a saucy look. "Would you like to have babies, Alicia?"

Alicia's eyes widened at the prospect of starting a family with Welkin. She imagined _at least_ ten babies, all named after Chuck Norris in some way, shape or form.

Welkin stepped in front of her, turned around and grinned from ear to ear. "What do you say?"

"No. I wouldn't like my children to be raised on how to sing 'Celery Stalks at Midnight' ten times fast."

"But Alicia, that song doesn't even have any words, so it sucks."

Alicia pouted. "Just because it has no lyrics doesn't mean that it's not good. Listen to the music playing in the background right now!"

Welkin was puzzled. "What music?" He asked.

Alicia pressed her gloved hand to her forehead.

There was an awkward silence between the two, and Welkin quickly hurried off before Alicia belittled him.

***

"An' zat ish our plan ta take back da bridgehead!" Faldio hiccupped.

"Well done, Faldio. You'll be getting a…reward later." Eleanor leaned over the oak table, making sure to show off her 'assets'.

Welkin, however, was at the most boring meeting of his life. Captain Varrot didn't make any moves on him, Alicia was still mad at him for who knows what, his other sergeant, Largo, was stuffing Twinkies down his throat, Zaka was filing her nails, Isara was reading a book on kung fu and Rosie was looking at suggestive pictures of porcavian piglets.

All of the sudden, Largo's chair broke with a load bang under the shear weight that he had accumulated over the years of eating Twinkies nonstop. Welkin's face burst into a smile, at an attempt to hold in laughter. After a few seconds, he could no longer contain the sheer joy that something so random had brought, and he erupted into a roaring fit of laughter like a hyena. Largo burst out into a rage of fury and had to be tranquilized.

"Welkin, _stop it!_" Alicia hissed from underneath her breath.

Welkin regained his composure, and continued to listen to Captain Varrot's lecture.

"Who's a good lieutenant?" she cooed to Faldio.

"ME!" he hollered. "Bec'use I'm da best l-l-lieu-whatchamacallit ever!"

"Well, Welkin, do you have any ideas?" Alicia interrupted, nudging Welkin's side with her elbow.

"Oh! Well, I think that we should distract the Imps with pictures of naked women!" Welkin chirped in.

Zaka glanced up. "Welkin, what if the—"

"Then naked pigs!"

"But pigs don't wear clothes, Welkin," Zaka countered. "Why don't I just wipe them all out?"

"Zaka, if you run out of firepower, we'll be in serious trouble," Alicia pointed out. "Besides, the Imperials are so stupid that there's no way that they won't fall for Welkin OR Faldiov's strategy."

"The Imps have lots of tanks up their arsenal though," replied Zaka.

"Hehe, that's what she said…" Welkin snickered to himself.

"Welkin, that was worse than the one in Bruhl," Alicia sighed.

"Alright guys, I'm getting into _that mood. _Squad 7, you are dismissed." Captain Varrot sent them away with a brush of her hand and pointed towards the door.

Welkin, Alicia, Isara, Zaka and Rosie stood up and left. They called in Jann to drag Largo out of there.

--------

During the meeting, Cezary was reading the worst piece of trash that he had ever laid his blue eyes upon.

"D-do you like it?" a young Darcsen stuttered, glancing up at him with a pleading look.

Cezary ran a hand through his tawny hair. "Well, let me see. Eduardo sparkles, Isabelle is a doormat, Jake is probably the only good character, and your writing style is awful. My eyes are bleeding. Nadine, what the fuck IS this?!"

"It's my story!" She piped up. "It's called _Nightfall_!_" _

"I know that part," Cezary said. "But why is it so awful?!"

Nadine giggled. "Did you know that it all came from a dream?"

"You aren't answering my question, Nadine. Besides, even if the writing was amazing, I would still hate it because it smells like dark-hair." He thrust the loosely bound white papers at her and, once she took them back, walked away.

--------

Also during Nadine and Cezary's encounter was Lynn trying to handle being pregnant for the fourteenth time.

"Karl!" She roared. "I want more babies! Do you hear me? More!"

"B-b-b-but Lynn, you're only a week in…" Karl hid his face into his hands, peeing out from between his fingers at his demanding wife.

"We already have three with Faldiov at the moment, so why can't we just have another? This one came easily enough!" Lynn's voice progressively grew louder with each word.

"Lynn, it takes nine months to even conceive unless if it's premature, and it might not survive that!"

"I don't care! I'm a baby machine!" Lynn retorted. She banged her hands against her growing stomach.

-------

Welkin gathered his platoon together for the first time.

"Alright, we head to Vasel tomorrow. I wish the best of luck to all of y—oh, hell, I can't do this. Audrey, Juno, be sure to meet me in my quarters tonight for a _very_ special meeting." Welkin announced.

« Oui, Welkin, Je…um…serai be there ! » Audrey piped up in broken French as always.

"Audrey, that was awful French as always," Alicia moaned in disgust.

« Well, let moi regarde mellieur français...uh...pour toi ! » Audrey scoffed.

"Alright. Welkin, je t'aime et je veux tes bébés." Alicia replied curtly.

"Huh?" Welkin had no idea what Alicia had just said, which could be considered a good thing.

"Oh, thank the Valkyrur," Alicia muttered.

Suddenly, the ground began to rumble beneath everyone's feet.

"Shit!" Isara exclaimed.

** AN: Oh noez, swears! Gather your children and run for the hills!**

** …Well, I'm obviously kidding, and I seriously hope that no children are reading this story**


	6. The Kawaiidesu Battle of Vasel

Magical Girl Zaka

Chapter Six

**AN: I would just like to thank ****Zaby in this AN for helping me with ideas for Audrey's atrocious French. Whenever you need a language to be destroyed, ask a native speaker! :D **

**Um, sorry I haven't updated in around a year or so. I've had this chapter rotting around in my hard drive, and I got some inspiration for this thing this morning (finally) so I figured that I should complete what I have started. **

**This chapter also contains spoilers for chapter eleven (Marberry Shore, if I remember correctly) so I highly suggest that you do not read it if you haven't reached that point in the game. I am being completely serious when I say that the plot twist that happens in that chapter contains little to no foreshadowing whatsoever. Or maybe I'm just dense. **

Alicia quickly grabbed onto Welkin for support. "W-what's happening?" she shrieked, her voice quivering with terror.

"I don't know!" Welkin screamed back.

A loud blare came over the PA system, and warning signals erupted. "Attention! Attention! There is a giant dinosaur headed towards Randgriz! I repeat, there is a dinosaur headed towards Randgriz!"

"Are they high? There are _no more dinosaurs_ in Gallia!" Isara pouted, crossing her arms. "I'm going to go after this thing, right now."

"Are you sure?" Alicia inquired, glancing towards her with a worried expression.

Suddenly, the quaking stopped, and everyone collapsed onto the ground.

"What was that?" Alicia said breathlessly.

"Sorry guys that was us!" A voice from a tank called out to the platoon. "We were trying out something new!"

"Leon, get your clothes back on! They can't know about us," another softer voice replied.

Welkin cleared his throat, and commanded the squad to head towards the banks of Vasel.

"Captain, why do I have to use Alicia, Rosie and Largo?" Welkin whined. He was choosing the appropriate lineup of troops in order to gain a foothold onto reclaiming the bridgehead once and for all.

"Because they're special. Now can we get back to our little _business_?" Varrot responded with the usual seductive tone in her voice. She was slowly sliding her uniform off her shoulders, revealing her skin.

"Captain, I thought that you preferred Faldiov to do these things with…"

"Oh, but he's drunk all the time, and I want someone _new_," said Varrot.

"U-um anyway, let's just commence the operation."

Varrot stuck her lower lip out. "Fine."

Welkin began to prepare for battle.

"Alright Sevens, this is our first battle! I hereby request that after this operation, all female personnel wear miniskirts as part of the militia uniform!" Welkin screamed, his head poking off the hatch. Suddenly, a wide smile broke out onto his face, and he continued. "Alicia, can I talk to you for a bit?"

"Sure, but make it quick," Alicia curtly replied.

"You and Rosie get gold stars for coming in miniskirts _already_! It's good to see you two taking some initiative!" he giggled.

Alicia pressed her palm to her face. "Welkin, please be serious for once."

"Psh, who cares? This is going to be fucking easy."

"You shouldn't underestimate the enemy," said Alicia wisely. "You never know what they might throw at us."

"Okay, okay, whatever." Welkin's smile faded, and he ordered Squad 7 to move out for their first major battle.

First, Rosie moved towards the grass up ahead. Two shocktroopers had noticed her but ceased fire. It was damp and dreary outside, and the air tasted and smelled like it had just rained. A blanket of grey clouds lay overhead. Out of nowhere, a beige box appeared in front of Welkin's eyes. It read, "CRAWLING IN GRASS." Well, actually, Welkin couldn't read it, so the war correspondent wasn't able to write it down.

"I don't need to know this, Valkyrur-damnit!" Welkin cursed. "Rosie, crawl in the grass and lob a grenade at those Imps!"

"But I wanna look at this picture of a porcavian that I brought with me…" Rosie whined. "It has such soft, delicate fur~!"

"Just show me your underwear, for Valkyrur's sake!" Welkin screamed in fury.

Rosie lay down on her stomach and crawled towards the enemy. She grabbed her only grenade, removed the safety with her teeth, and threw it right in the middle of them. Their bodies flew out in opposite directions, and blood stained the cobblestone street.

Zaka came on the radio. "Welkin, why can't the Imps run away? It's not like Rosie's physically fit. She spends most of her days looking at pigs."

"Because unlike you, we're polite! Aren't we, master pimp?" An Imp intervened.

"It makes no sense, though!" Zaka protested.

"Aw yeah, baby, it does. Women love polite guys," 'Master Pimp' responded.

"Women seem to be all over Master Pimp over there, and he has no knowledge of etiquette whatsoever," Zaka said, sounding annoyed.

"Master Pimp is totally polite!" the generic Imp responded.

"I meant OUR Master Pimp, smartass."

"Y-you did NOT just call my best friend a smartass! I'm going to get you, whoever you are!" Master Pimp screamed into the radio.

"Good luck," Zaka scoffed.

"A-anyway, uh, Alicia, run into that other patch of grass over there, and find Ty the Immortal. He's a total douchebag, so you might uh…die in the process of killing him, but it's okay, r-right?" Welkin continued giving out his orders despite Zaka's tryst with the Imps.

"Moving out!" Alicia replied in an oddly cheerful tone. Once he saw her, Ty the Immortal stood up and fired at her, as well as a nearby scout. Alicia pressed the butt of her gun to her chest, and fired directly at his head. Ty dodged it.

"Don't mind him, Alicia, just keep on keeping on!" Welkin screamed. "Hit him again!"

Alicia fired five more shots. Ty evaded them perfectly again.

Now Welkin was becoming irritated. "Alicia! I want plenty of ducats so I can pay for dozens of hookers, okay? So kill this bitchass before I do it myself!"

"Welkin, you are so _crude_!" Alicia spat into her radio. "Listen, if I kill this guy then I get half of your profits, got it?"

Welkin inhaled deeply and sighed. Rubbing his fingers against his forehead, he muttered, "fine. But listen up, you had better spend it on something useful."

"It'll be more useful than hookers," Alicia retorted. She aimed the gun at Ty once again, closed her eyes tightly and pulled the trigger. Five bullets landed straight into his head. She was victorious.

Almost immediately the radio transmissions were buzzing with appalled Imperials.

"She actually hit Ty? No fucking way…" one said.

"Didn't he have secret ninja training in the typical randomly Japanese village that always seems to appear in these types of games?" another inquired.

"Yeah, what's up with that, anyway?"

"W-wait, Welks…" Isara whispered. "My life…my life is just a game…?"

"Um, yeah. By the way, you die in chapter eleven, so don't sweat it," Welkin replied nonchalantly.

Suddenly, Isara lifted the hatch of the tank upwards, and began to climb out.

"Isara, what are you doing?" Welkin screeched, trying to frantically pull her down in case if she got into any danger.

In a mechanical manner, Isara stated, "My life is a lie, Welkin. We are just living in an empty world, controlled by people who probably write stories of us in high school, or smut, or, dare I say it, self-insert fics. That's why…I have to kill every single Imperial on this map."

"Isara, what are you doing? That doesn't make _any_ sense!" Welkin screamed.

Just then, Isara began to glow pink, and floated up into the sky. Gallians and Imperials alike looked up in awe at the Darcsen who had just used up her Mary-Sue card.

"YOU FUCKING IMPS! I HOPE YOU DIE IN THE FIREY PITS OF HELL!" she cried, poisonous tears running down her face (and possibly burning parts of her cheeks). All of the Imps began to melt into a puddle of goo, as if they were ice cream melting in the sun.

"That metaphor…" Zaka weeped. "It's so…_symbolic_."

"Actually, it's just stupid," Alicia scoffed. "Anyway, I'm going to go capture the camp now and get some money from Welkin." She dashed around the building, avoiding landmines and tripped over the sandbags surrounding the base. After swearing in Canadian French for a bit, she snapped her fingers and the Gallian flag magically appeared over the Imperial one.

Everyone began to jump up and down in celebration. Welkin, meanwhile, looked up at the sky and sobbed softly.

"Goodbye, Isara…" he sniffed. "I'm sorry that you had to learn the truth."

**AN: I hope u liked it jo borz forever y'all. ^_^ ****Chris martin is my future husband he is so dreamy dreamer than Nick Valensi and James Franco COMBINED!1!11! Eesarah is nawt a Mari sue she is ttly original ok? H8ERS FUCK OFF MCR ROX. **_**Disclaimer: I know that I'm not funny.**_

**Also, the second part of this chapter wasn't proofread, so if there are any grammar or spelling mistakes, then I apologize. **


End file.
